A Mom and Then Some

I quit my job of seven years in May, moved from St. Louis to Dallas in June, had my third child in July, and moved to San Marcos in August. Needless to say, I've been going through a lot of changes. Surprisingly, though, the slap-in-the-face shock has been my new role as a stay-at-home mom.  I knew it would be an adjustment, specially since I'm such an extrovert, but I never expected the identity crisis, the guilt and the boredom.

"Boredom?" You might ask, "How can you be bored when there's so much to do?" True, my to-do list is never complete.  I can't keep up with laundry because the little one spits on everything and my two-year-old is still mastering the spoon.  I barely manage the time to grocery shop and cook meals that are both healthy and appetizing to a four and two year old. Knowing my need for adult socialization, I've also carved some time to meet up with other moms and interest groups a few times per week.  With all this going on, I still haven't unpacked everything, and I never sleep or shower enough.

So, not without activities or chores to tackle, but bored. I used to think thoughts that were bigger than my home. My former life included weekly conversations with other adults that covered everything from Black Lives Matter to the existence of God to gender identity confusion in children. These days, I spend my nursing time taking turns reading the news, watching TED Talks, some fiction and other interesting articles that are currently trending on Facebook.  But as a verbal processor, I miss the mental sparring I used to enjoy when I facilitated a seminar on diversity at work or when my office mate and I would get into conversations about cultural differences in our students.

While I'm grateful for other moms in my life to commiserate with and exchange child anecdotes, I'm not used to my conversations being mostly about diapers and breastmilk.  More than that, I'm not used to my identity being mostly about this one role.  I love my children, more than that, I delight in them. Each of them bring a new and exciting personality into my family that continues to surprise and bring joy to my soul.  But up until now, during the first four and half years of my role as a mother, I also busily enjoyed several other roles that brought great delight and pride to my life.  My world was bigger than just my family and my home.  My world included fighting for equity in education for minority children.  My world was full of a diverse group of co-workers and a community that challenged my tendency toward comfort and entitlement.  My world was a balancing act of priorities, constantly trying to figure out whether it was more important to make a home-cooked meal and spend an extra hour with my kids or stay for that meeting at work which might influence curriculum to be more culturally sensitive for hundreds of children.  I loved that world. And I feel guilty that this one is not satisfying.

Not only that, I feel guilty that even though I'm not working and influencing the world the way I used to, I'm also not enriching my children's lives the way they used to be when they attended an amazing school.  I don't do finger painting multiples times per week, or at all, let's be honest. I don't sit on the floor for hours and introduce new shapes and textures like their teachers used to do.  I try to plan play dates, but I don't know if my two-year-old is socializing enough.  Do I even talk to her enough during the day?

So there's the identity crisis.  I am no longer the leader, facilitator, teacher, advocate I used to be, but I don't feel like a successful stay-at-home mom either.  I don't regularly experience the joy and pride one feels at the end of a long day doing what you love, and I feel guilty that staying at home with my kids is not the vocation that brings me that joy.  Being a mom is part of who I am, but I'm missing a bunch of parts that I think in the end made me a better mom.

So this is what I've realized: the world I was a part of six months ago easily offered outlets for my many thoughts and gifts.  Thanks to my former job and scheduled childcare for my children, I could join committees and groups in which to exercise my non-domestic gifts and talents.  There were titles that brought pride and evaluations that affirmed and appreciated my hard work.  But just because I don't work outside the home anymore doesn't mean that the part of me that came alive through those activities has to die or be put on hold until my kids are older.  I just have to figure out how to create opportunities to resurrect a part of me that is unseen or asleep in my stay-at-home life.  I might have to create organizations of my own or start discussion groups in my home to provide an outlet for a part of me I'm not willing to let go of.

After a weekend with two strong women, friends who knew the me of six months ago and got to see the me that lives this new stay-at-home life, I was reminded a little bit of who I am.  I was encouraged to be more me.  I want to live my life being constantly reminded that the world is bigger than my kitchen, that my children are not the only ones that matter and my gifts are a resource I must give back to my community.